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The Things Women Make Us Do…

If you haven’t heard this story you’re in for a treat. A man named Robert Spearing surprised his wife with tickets to Oprah’s final show. They make the trip to Chicago and on the day they were supposed to go see the show, he returns to their hotel beaten and bruised, claiming he had just been mugged and the perpetrators stole the tickets. He reports this to the police and after an investigation they realize that he made the whole thing up! He never had the tickets in the first place. Now he is facing charges. Someone get this guy a gold star!

This Huffington Post article gives more detail.

Talk about romantic. He wanted to make his wife happy so badly that he faked a mugging and actually roughed himself up. AND THEN, he lied to police. Robert Spearing is a fudging hero if you ask me. BRAVO, SIR! Everyone is hating on this dude, but I can only imagine the Hitler-like regime he was probably dealing with at home. All the ladies reading this post are thinking, “Wow, what an idiot.” Check yourselves before you wreck yourselves! Maybe if the female race wasn’t a bunch of mental terrorists we wouldn’t have to do things like pretend we have fudging Oprah tickets.

Case and point…one day my ex-girlfriend finds a hair clip in my room. “Who’s is this?!? It is definitely not mine,” she says looking at me with a stare that could melt the sun. Having no idea how a hair clip that did not belong to her would ever end up in my room, I panicked. “I swear to god I have no idea how that got there,” I said like I was being interrogated by the CIA. She ended up storming out with me chasing her, apologizing like a mad man, still trying to comprehend what the hell was going on. After convincing my sister to call her and tell her the hair clip was hers, my ex finally agreed to talk to me again. Another two hours of convincing her she was the greatest thing since sliced bread, and things seemed like they were somewhat back to normal. A week later my ex calls me and says, “You remember that hair clip I found in your room? Yeah, it was mine after all. That means you had your sister lie to me! I can’t believe you would do that.” HOLY OREO BLIZZARD!!! YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME! This is the mental abuse we face daily, ladies.

So if your boyfriend ever lies about something silly and you say “I wonder why he would lie about that? I guess I can’t trust him.” BACK IT ON UP LIKE A U-HAUL TRUCK! We lie because you terrorize us! Ladies, if you haven’t figure out by now, men are simple creatures. We eat, we have sex, and we hang with our bros. Most of us have the mental capacity of a tuna fish sandwich. We do not play mental games because our peanut sized brains cannot handle the complexities of such nonsense. You females are the problem.

If you ask me, we need a second Remembrance Day. One to honor the men who have lasted longer than a year with the same woman. I am single by choice. It certainly has nothing to do with the fact that I’m a virgin or that I still live at home…or that I have terrible asthma and I wet the bed…or that I’m allergic to milk, bread, carrots, yellow shirts, cats, dogs, birds, bananas, walking too fast, not walking fast enough, girls, beer, and televisions…It has absolutely nothing to do with any of that. It’s because I can’t find a woman sane enough to spend longer than 10 minutes around. Except you, mom!

Two words...AWESOME!

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