Dear PremierLife,

Dear PremierLife,

I’ve always been in long-term relationships, but for the first time in years I’m single and want to stay that way for a while. The only thing is, I’m kind of missing the, ughh, sex… I don’t want to go wine and dine some girl just to get her to bed because I will no doubt end up dating her. I’m kind of new to this ‘causal sex’ thing though, so…

PremierLife, can you tell me how to have a one-night stand?

Sincerely,

Needs some.

Dear Needs Some,

One-night stands can be a glorious thing or the bane of your existence. The primary trouble with these is ensuring you are nice enough for the girl to not think you’re going to go Hamolka on her ass, but feisty enough for her to think she’s in for a good time.  Choosing the right girl is key though. You need someone who is in the same mind frame as you. Prime candidates include, girls who have just been dumped, girls with low self-esteem and potential daddy issues, and slut bags. Of course, the last category should be a last resort. Unfortunately, in a world so centered on family dinners and UNICEF actions, the once full category of ladies sporting daddy issues has thinned out like a middle-aged man’s hair. Never fear however, low self-esteem, particularly after the recent airing of the Victoria’s Secrets Fashion Show, is at an all time high. This is going to work very well in your favor as you fish through the crowds at JBR’s.

Needless to say, you are not looking for the girls that have justified self-esteem issues. You sir, have standards. You are looking for that rare breed of women suffering from ugly ducking syndrome. They are usually in first or second year, have just managed to fill out their B-cups, finally found a good hair stylist and discovered the wonders of liquid foundation and mascara. These girls are still seeing themselves through the fog of high school where they were probably mousy timid and shy. Pounce on these girls like they are injured baby gazelles. You can usually gage a girl’s inner confidence by two factors, the way she dresses and the way she dances. In a reverse psychology mind fuck manner, girls who are usually unhappy with their bodies, side to two extremes- either showing off all of it, or covering it up like she’s in a nunnery. Now, this is key, to differentiate the slut bags from the low self-esteem girls, take a look at the way they dance. If she’s huddled behind her friends, swaying only slightly, sipping on her vodka cranberry, she’s your girl. If she on stage, hands above her head, shaking her boobs and butt like it’s a wet t-shirt contest, she’s your last resort.

Once you’ve cornered your prey, flash her a lovely smile and go in with the compliments, but make them sincere. Girls can smell a creep a mile off! Next, go in with the jokes and ply her with alcohol, you want to establish that this isn’t love. If she starts to fall for you, you’re in trouble. Be suggestive but not over bearing and if she takes the hook don’t wait around for it to unhinge, get her in a taxi ASAP. Once she’s in your house, don’t waste time with the nonsense of house tours or making her feel comfortable. This is an ‘in and out’ job, pun intended. Again, to ensure you don’t get a clinger make sure the sex implies as little relationship qualities as possible. Pull her hair, rip her shirt but by all means- don’t look in her eyes!

The morning after is delicate ground to tread on. Even if you have a car, call her a taxi. Giving her a ride home implies you have interest in where she lives. You do not. Try to avoid a cell number or even last name exchange, the most successful one night stands leave no loose strings!

Hope you get it in!

Lots of free peace and love,

PremierLife,

Adequate advice given weekly