In the spirit of Christmas, I have decided to dedicate this article to all the things I hate. I was considering doing an article on all the things I love, like world peace and puppies, but I thought you could just tune into the next episode of Toddlers and Tiaras to hear about that instead. No no, this article is strictly based on all the things that drive me absolutely up the wall, and if all is right in the world, should annoy you too. If you disagree with any of these, you can be added to the list. Lets start this off in the festive spirit:
Advent Calendars- I don’t know what level of Dalai Lama self-restraint you think I have Kinder Surprise, but you are wrong. You cannot give me a wall sized box of chocolates, and think that just because there are little numbered doors between me and your milky goodness, I will be able to stop myself. Incorrect. It is now the 4th of December and I just ate the 18th, in numeric order.
People who ask stupid questions- Mr. McDonald, my 6th grade teacher once said there was no such thing as a stupid question. He was wrong. Just the other day I was in Marble Slab, a place I go to drown my emotions of advent calendar binging, when a girl walked in to ask about the birthday cakes. She went over to the large freezer, examined it for a second, then walked back over the cashier and asked what the prices for the cakes were. The young high school drop out politely answered $35 for the large cake, and $24 for the small. The girl nodded and walked back to the freezer, shouting back to the boy ‘Right, and which one is the large?’ I face palmed loudly and autistically shouted back at her, ‘THE BIGGER ONE’.
Girls who are at University to find husbands- This rare emerging breed of university girls, often taking Sociology, Psychology or any one of the -ology social sciences, have no intention of doing anything with these degrees. They are at university strictly to study in the Law library and hang out in the Engineering building in hopes of bumping into a nice boy that will take care of them. They are usually impeccably dressed for 8am class, pride themselves on their organizational and home keeping skills, and, if you couldn’t have guessed, are blonde.
The Kardashians- I do not care if Kim was recently spotted wearing a KW ring. I have no interest in why Khloe’s marriage is failing and I definably don’t want to see Kourtney’s baby photos. Any yet, everywhere I look, there is a big round Kardasian ass plastered on some tabloid magazine at a check out where I just want to buy some Red Bull. Do you know how I know the Kardashians are a waste of my mental capacity? Because spell check underlines their name and says NO Spelling Suggestions, my basis of human interest is defined by whether Microsoft Word has heard of you.
People who think they are a professional _______- This new fad is upon us of people buying DSL cameras and assuming that this makes them photographers. It does not. You took a close up picture of a flower on a macro setting; my 4-year-old cousin can do that. What is worse are the girls that offer to pose for they’re fancy camera buying non-photographer friends, and thinking this makes them models if they Photoshop it into black and white. It does not. Take that profile picture down. The same goes for people who think they are a DJ because they own a Mac and made something in Garage Band. You are not a DJ, you are a hipster.
People who Instagram/Tweet/status update their lives- I don’t care that you just checked into the gym. I don’t care that you had a sub for lunch and I most certainly did not care enough to have to see a picture of it. Honestly, who do you think you are that I could possibly care this much about your life? This is the behavior I expect from a Kardashian, and we all know how I feel about them. To top it all off, these people never have good spelling- its like a side effect of dyslexia that you have to get addicted to Twitter.
Of course there are plenty of other things I hate. I have a strong distaste for boy bands, Eastern European cooking, Justin Bieber’s stylist… but the above are some that I genuinely felt we could all bond over. If you don’t, fear not, I probably hate you too.