What’s Wrong with Santa Claus?

Well it’s still raining outside, but that doesn’t mean Santa Claus isn’t going to visit all the little children come December 24^th, or 25^th depending on his schedule. That’s right, Christmas will come whether the weather is a winter wonderland or spring-like puddle. But has anyone actually examined the story of Christmas and the old guy carrying around the sack of presents? Has anyone asked what’s wrong with Santa Claus? Maybe it’s the fact that I just finished a ten page paper so I am trying to analyze everything but, I have complied a list of the problems behind the story of Christmas and Old Saint Nick.  Someone really should have spoken up sooner. Luckily, I’m here to ask these pressing questions…

The Man

Santa is a boss. Straight up. He works ONE day a year and everyone loves him. He gets millions and millions of fan mail each year and every little kid strokes his ego to make sure he gets them what they want. Granted, each fan mail letter is just a little kid asking for an Xbox Kinect but I digress. There are, however, some serious questions I have for this Santa guy. Has no one ever told him that black is slimming? Unlike that cherry red suit he wears (which was actually put into place by my favourite American corporation, Coca-Cola during an add campaign) which is not very flattering. On top of everything, it’s not even a Canada Goose jacket…Useless. Thick belts are also very much a 2010 trend, so I’d ditch that too if I was him. Another thing? Just because beards are cool these days doesn’t give you the right to grow a nappy one. Figure it out Santa, figure it out.

Also, the fact Santa doesn’t go into a sugar coma after eating all those cookies is incredible.

The Reindeer

This guy was picked as the leader?

You’re just going to tell me this story about how nine reindeer fly through the sky while carrying Santa, who is not what one would call little, and all the presents for every child in the world? Okay, I’ll go with it. But I doubt PETA would. Why hasn’t there been more media coverage over what I’m sure is a huge disagreement between PETA and Santa over the use of reindeer. Rudolph must get mad tired and he still has to lead the pack…Pack? Is that the right word for a group of reindeer? Anyways, Rudolph and his boys would definitely receive some support from PETA for the use of, oh I don’t know…A jet plane! This is the 21^st century, if Paul Allen can own this yacht with two helicopter landings and two submarines, (one is controlled with a remote control!) then I’m sure Santa can set up some deal with Richard Branson for a dope plane to take him everywhere.

But the true question is, was Rudolph the inventor of the GPS? I’m sure he had to have something going on since he’s been to every corner of the globe multiple times.

The Elves

Elves participate in #Decembeard

The elves sure look cute in cartoon movies, and everyone loves Will Ferrell’s impersonation of an elf. But something just doesn’t seem right about this situation. Are the elves volunteering their time or is being one of Santa’s Workshop elves a paid position? Do you think there is a hierarchy among the elves? Is making hula-hoops instead of baseball bats more coveted among the workers? Or maybe it’s the dream of one of the elves to break out of the workshop and become a politician. I just don’t think it’s right to classify all these elves as workers and nothing else. Also, are the elves part of a union? Are their rights protected in case global warming really steps up and wipes out the North Pole? Do they get benefits for their little elf teeth and little elf eyes? I sure hope so, they’re putting in work.

But do the elves actually put together the toys these days? Or do they just contact their rep at Best Buy and then their rep at Fed-Ex and call it a day? Elf swag.

The big man doin' what he does best

Finally, I’m not saying Santa does or doesn’t exist, because to me (and my mother even more) the spirit of Santa is very much alive and present during the holiday season. All I want is some answers to these questions and for Santa to read the holiday issue of GQ, Mrs. Claus will thank me later.