I sincerely believe that if certain aspects of Mario Kart 64 were real life the roads would be a lot more fun and a lot safer. People would be happier and road rage would be practically non-existent. Well, unless you threw a banana peel at me but I think that would be saved for ex’s and horrible profs.
Paint the Town! …Errr The Road
I think we should start with something easily implemented, why not paint all the streets like Rainbow Road? I think people would feel like driving more if they knew that there would be bright colours to accompany them along the way.
A Cloud for a GPS
Why yes, when I turn the wrong way down the highway or don’t exactly know my direction to my destination I would love a little creature coming down in a cloud to tell me to reverse. Not only would this save time when you’re sincerely lost but it would be much less annoying than my GPS yelling at me (in a programmed British accent, obviously) that it is recalculating. Shut up, Garmin. Figure your shit out and calculate faster.
Star Late Power
You know that appointment or class or exam that you really should never be late for, but for some unknown (see JBR’s Wednesday) you’re late anyways? Well imagine if you just happened to have star power? BOOM. You’re there on time because you bulldozed over the Granny doing 40 in a 60. But don’t worry, she would just do a flip in the air and be on her way. How convenient.
The Characters Would Be Your Best Friends
You may remember this article I wrote about the seven different people you’d meet at Western. Well, like Western, Mario world also fits into these categories. Yoshi would be the do-gooder, always there to help out his buddy and always smiling. Although he doesn’t cheer as loud as the sophs, he makes up for it in loyalty to his boy, and the promoter of the group–Mario. Mario would obviously be the promoter since he plasters his face and his company name over everything. But what’s a promoter without a bar star? This is when Peach comes in dressed in her American Apparel ballerina pink dress, she is always down for a tequila shot or vodka bar lime. However, who is Peach going to go home with at the end of the night? Well it could be DK, the jock of the group, or maybe even Luigi the hipster with his ironic mustache, but it will probably be the player, Toad. With Toad’s boyish good looks and charm, there should be no surprise that he is the player of the Mario Kart World.
As mentioned above, when I was late and had to run over the Granny, car crashes wouldn’t be nearly as harmful if the roads were more like Mario Kart. All that would ensue if you did run into a faulty question mark or get hit by someone on their way to a late appointment would be a minor delay by getting flipped in the air and then landing right back in your place. No harm, no foul.
So since this is all very difficult to actually implement, I guess we can stick to just playing Mario Kart64 on the old school N64. Don’t forget to blow on the game before you put it in the console. You know that the blowing on the game is the unofficial first instruction to gaming on an N64.